I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
