when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Maybe he injected his testicle?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
