the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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