So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
