Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
