I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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