Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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