Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
