i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
ttyl tear gas
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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