If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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