proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My pussy is not your playground.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
