A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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