and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
