apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
