Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
