Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
