I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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