stop calling my apartment porn island.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
