blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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