Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Drunk is not a location!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
