i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
