I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
why do cheetos always look like penises
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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