Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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