recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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