he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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