I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
