i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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