i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tornado booty call.. dedication
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
