My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
