Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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