We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
