I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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