You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
