I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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