broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So squirting runs in the family.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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