Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
