youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
