Pappa wants mamma naked
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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