it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
