I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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