There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
