we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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