She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
