I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
