I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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