When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
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I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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