just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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