why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
