i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
There's even glitter on my cock...
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