you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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