God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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