You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
