The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what day is it and did you see me today?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
