i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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