Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
