So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
