I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
