i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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