youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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